I have not been wanted in my younger life.
I KNOW this because I was passed around and around and around. But I survived my youth.
I have survived my teens.
I have survived being a young adult.
I have become a mom.
I became a grandmother.
I grew up feeling not wanted.
I have not wanted to live.
I have had many times I wished that I was not alive, and even thought about different ways that death could come.
At one point I even had a plan to end my life, I had grabbed every knife I could find, and left my house. So angry. So frustrated. I Wish I didn’t have to be here anymore.
I don’t really know why I get so frustrated at times. I just do.
I sat looking at the knives wondering how I was gonna do this, why I wanted to do this, and honestly, I started thinking. This is gonna probably hurt.
I have learned some things about myself. I need some quiet time. just to myself, to just be still, calm down and to just be. When I had the time to just think and had started contemplating all these thoughts, the feelings of sleepiness came over me. I guess exhaustion finally came over me.
I am learning things about me. I need to Stop and Rest, when I get worked up. I have a lot of pinned up emotions
I wonder why I am still here, what my purpose is. But when I stop and think about why I choose to stay….it is because I owe it to myself to understand that I do belong.
I BELONG TO MYSELF.
I DO MATTER.
I HAVE THINGS TO OFFER.
I HAVE PLENTY TO CONTRIBUTE TO LIFE.
I get to learn to understand who I am.
My little self wants to know.
My big self needs to know, and I would love to understand more of why I really do matter.
It is hard.
I fight daily with my mind.
But I want to choose to have a voice, MY VOICE
I NEED TO WANT TO FIND HAPPINESS.
I CHOOSE TO STAY
#memyselfandi
