Stories Of Hope

I have not been wanted in my younger life.

I KNOW this because I was passed around and around and around. But I survived my youth.

I have survived my teens.

I have survived being a young adult.

I have become a mom.

I became a grandmother.

I grew up feeling not wanted.

I have not wanted to live.

I have had many times I wished that I was not alive, and even thought about different ways that death could come.

At one point I even had a plan to end my life, I had grabbed every knife I could find, and left my house. So angry. So frustrated. I Wish I didn’t have to be here anymore.

I don’t really know why I get so frustrated at times. I just do.

I sat looking at the knives wondering how I was gonna do this, why I wanted to do this, and honestly, I started thinking. This is gonna probably hurt.

I have learned some things about myself. I need some quiet time. just to myself, to just be still, calm down and to just be. When I had the time to just think and had started contemplating all these thoughts, the feelings of sleepiness came over me. I guess exhaustion finally came over me.

I am learning things about me. I need to Stop and Rest, when I get worked up. I have a lot of pinned up emotions

I wonder why I am still here, what my purpose is. But when I stop and think about why I choose to stay….it is because I owe it to myself to understand that I do belong.

I BELONG TO MYSELF.

I DO MATTER.

I HAVE THINGS TO OFFER.

I HAVE PLENTY TO CONTRIBUTE TO LIFE.

I get to learn to understand who I am.

My little self wants to know.

My big self needs to know, and I would love to understand more of why I really do matter.

It is hard.

I fight daily with my mind.

But I want to choose to have a voice, MY VOICE

I NEED TO WANT TO FIND HAPPINESS.

I CHOOSE TO STAY

#memyselfandi

I have struggled with mental health issues my whole life. I Grew up with divorced parents, I was given up by my biological mother and am a step-mother. I have faced many challenges in my 37 years of life. Some more difficult than others, but each bearing a weight that , at times , was too difficult to carry. In those times where the weight was too heavy , my thoughts would turn dark. I would think about how much easier death would be, how I wouldn’t be missed but the most prominent thought I had was, “I’m tired of life and all of it’s hardships, I want to be gone because what is the point in living.” But, those thoughts, feelings, and time, do not last just as those challenges don’t last. That is why I am still here. Bad moments, bad moods , all end eventually. The beauty of life and experiences are continuous, I want to keep experiencing the happy moments and challenges even if i never understand the point of those challenges. I want to live my life for those that don’t get to anymore.

I Stayed…

I CHOOSE TO STAY

Why Am I Still Here…?

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